When you plan your wedding, there are already a million details to think about, and the last thing that you want to do is worry about wedding etiquette. Use these tips to help you decide which traditional wedding etiquette “rules” you’d like to keep and which you can afford to change to suit your needs.
Engagement
Traditionally, your parents decided whom you’d date and, eventually, marry. Engagement rings were always given.
Today, though your parents aren’t going to decide whom you marry, it’s a good idea for the groom-to-be to establish a good relationship with your parents. One way to do this: have him ask your dad for your hand in marriage. Again, though this “rule” isn’t written in stone, it’s a nice gesture and will go a long way in winning over your parents.
Also, though engagement rings are optional, wedding rings (at least for the bride) are still considered appropriate.
Telling the News
Traditionally, the bride’s parents were told first, but the best thing was–and still is–to tell all of the parents at the same time.
Paying for the Wedding
Traditionally, the bride’s parents paid for the bulk of the wedding–pretty much everything except the booze and the rehearsal dinner, which was paid by the groom’s parents.
Today, it’s a free-for-all. It doesn’t really matter who pays for what, and, typically, the bride and groom pays a lot of the wedding expenses out of their own pockets. Your best bet is to have a sit-down with both sets of parents (or all sets of parents, if there are more than two) and discuss the wedding expenses and the wedding budget ahead of time.
Invitations
Traditionally, wedding invitations were printed with black ink on white paper.
Today, the sky’s the limit! There are a wide variety of wedding invitation choices in a wide variety of color combinations. Colored ink is totally acceptable, and there is no need to use the same color as that of the bridal party’s dress color.
Wedding Attire
Bride
Traditionally, the white dress was just that–traditional. Any first-time bride was expected to wear a white dress and, for modesty, a veil. Older and second-time brides, generally, wore a cream-colored dress instead of white. For good luck, the bride’s wedding dress was kept a secret until the ceremony–especially from the groom!
Today, as we’ve blogged about here, wedding dresses come in all colors, lengths and fabric choices. Use your imagination!
Bridesmaids
Traditionally, a matron or maid of honor would not wear the same dress as the younger bridesmaids, and it used to be common for the bride to decide what the bridesmaid’s dresses would look like. This is because the bride’s parents, typically, paid for the dresses.
Today, bridesmaids usually have a say in the dress they wear for the wedding, though the bride will set the perimeters of color and, possibly, length and style. Today, most bridesmaids and the maid/matron of honor pay for their own dresses, shoes and accessories.
Mother of the Bride
Traditionally, the mothers of the bride and groom wore a dress, which complimented the color scheme of the bride’s wedding. The same still holds true today. Additionally, the bride’s mother still has first choice in dress selection, which has always been the tradition.
Men of the Wedding Party
Traditionally, when the bride wore white, the men in the wedding party wore what is referred to as “morning dress.” This type of dress consisted of either an all-gray or black tailcoat with pinstriped pants. Morning dress was considered incomplete unless a top hat was carried (though no one was really required to wear it).
Today, men of the wedding party should dress with the same formality as the bride and groom, though no one should outshine the groom.
Guests
Traditionally, wedding guests typically dressed in their “Sunday Best.”
Today, the wedding invitation should indicate the correct style of dress for the guests. If it’s a black tie wedding, say that. This will indicate to your guests that men should wear a dinner jacket and tie, and women will wear eveningwear or a formal gown.
Rings
Traditionally, the exchange of the rings was a very important part of the wedding ceremony. Typically, the groom bought the wedding set (or obtained the heirloom pieces) without the knowledge of the bride-to-be, which might pleasantly surprise or possibly disappoint her.
Today, though it’s still somewhat of a tradition for the groom-to-be to pick out the engagement and wedding ring without the bride’s knowledge, it’s also become acceptable for the bride-to-be to help pick out the ring set that she’ll be wearing (hopefully) for the rest of her life. Additionally, since some men today don’t wear a wedding ring, it’s acceptable to buy (and use) a lesser expensive ring for the ceremony.
Tip: If your husband-to-be doesn’t want to wear a wedding ring every day, you may want to consider another gift of jewelry that your man will wear on a regular basis.
Bride’s Name
Traditionally, the bride took the groom’s last name as her own.
Today, the bride has a choice of keeping her own name, taking her husband’s or hyphenating the two names together. If the bride is keeping her maiden name, the priest or master of ceremonies might say, “I’d like to present, in their first appearance as husband and wife, Mrs. Jane Doe and Mr. John Smith”.
Wedding Toast
Traditionally, the first person to speak was the bride’s father who proposed a toast to the bride and groom (if the bride’s mother was a widow, another male family member made this toast). Next, the bridegroom spoke on behalf of himself and his bride, thanking his father-in-law for his speech, the bride’s parent’s for giving him their daughter and the guests for coming. He, also, complimented his bride, thanked his best man, and thanked all the other helpers. Last, he expressed regret for absent family members or friends and proposed a toast to the bridesmaids. Following the groom, the best man gave his speech.
Today, just about anything goes when toasts are made, but choose your speakers beforehand to allow them preparation time. Remind your speakers, too, to keep it short (under five minutes) and to avoid offensive jokes. Also, speakers shouldn’t refer to the honeymoon, past marriages or girl/boyfriends, future family or sex. And, it might be a good plan to have the speeches early on at the reception. This way your speakers will not have had a chance to drink too much!
First Dance
Traditionally, the bride and her father were the first to dance at the reception in the daddy-daughter dance.
Today, it’s totally acceptable to have your DJ or band invite additional dads and daughters out onto the dance floor, or anyone for that matter. The choice it yours.
Cutting the Cake
Traditionally, the bride and groom made a grand display of cutting the cake. It was a great photo opportunity, plus there was usually the obligatory mashing of one’s face with cake as the bride and groom took the first bite.
Today, though cake-cutting is still a popular tradition today, it’s also OK to skip it altogether. Some couples just don’t like cake. If you feel like you don’t want to skip the tradition altogether, though, you might opt for pie instead. Or how about ice cream?
Throwing the Bouquet
Traditionally, the bride threw the bouquet over her shoulder to all of the unmarried women at the reception. Whoever caught the bouquet was, allegedly, the next girl to get married.
Today, throwing the bouquet is still fine, but have you noticed how most single women hate the tradition? Why not propose a toast, instead, to honor your single friends?
Leaving for the Honeymoon
Traditionally, after the wedding, the bride and groom would exit the church, have rice thrown on them and then they’d be whisked away to their honeymoon.
Today, brides and grooms are staying around for the party. And why not? After all of the planning, stressing and money spent, it only makes sense to enjoy yourself. The honeymoon can wait!
Gifts
Traditionally, couples either left their wedding gifts up to chance or made a wedding gift wish list that was then left at the bride’s parent’s house for anyone who wanted to see it. This was the old-fashioned gift registry–and a way of eliminating the possibility of receiving three toasters.
Today, there are a ton of gift registries available. Just choose your favorite stores, and go through the registry process. When you send out invitations, be sure to include your registry information. This way, hopefully, you’ll only get one toaster!
Tip: Make sure that your gift list includes a variety of inexpensive gift ideas for those guests without a huge wedding gift budget.
Thank You Cards
Traditionally, as well as today, thank you cards are super-important–there’s no getting around it. They were important yesterday, and they still are today. Not sending a thank you card is both discourteous and extremely hurtful. Check with Best Little Wedding Shop for a great stock of Thank You Cards.
Visit Wedding Etiquette Tips for great information including wedding invitation etiquette, thank you note etiquette, seating arrangement tips, gift etiquette and a wedding survival kit.
Lisa Bakewell
There are a lot of superstitions related to the bride on her wedding day. Probably the most popular are that the bride should not allow her groom to see her in her wedding dress until the wedding, and that a bride should always have “something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue” as she makes her way down the aisle. Others include:
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